Choosing to Forgive
Brian Cox

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15 NIV) “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13 NIV)

Have you ever lain awake at night rehearsing in your mind a confrontation that you have had with a family member, friend or co-worker? He said this and you said that and then you said this and then they he said something that really upset you and on and on it goes. Have you ever chosen not to go to something because of someone who you knew would be there? You just couldn’t face them knowing what they had said or done to you. Have you noticed that the number of people you seek to avoid grows almost daily as more and more people set you off? Are you finding it more and more difficult to be happy? Perhaps you need to choose to forgive!

Many find it difficult if not impossible to forgive because they have believed some very popular myths about forgiveness. I have heard some say that God doesn’t really expect us forgive. The two passages at the top of this page should quickly dispel that myth. God does expect us to forgive we are to forgive as he has forgiven us. When we refuse to forgive we are forfeiting our own forgiveness. We must freely give to others what God has freely given to us.

Myth #1 We must forget before we can truly forgive. Memories can be very fickle at times. Do you find yourself forgetting all the things that you are working hard at trying to remember while remembering all the things that would be so much better forgotten? We remember all those embarrassing situations yet forget important appointments that we have made. Choosing to forget something is not possible and if we have to wait until we have forgotten before we can truly forgive we might never be able to forgive. God forgives and forgets, as Isaiah 43:25 says He remembers our sins no more. Some have translated that passage to read that He no longer thinks of our sins. God forgives sin by choosing to no longer think of our sins. We would do well to follow His example. Forgiveness does not erase history or excuse what has been done. What has happened has happened and nothing can erase the memory or the consequences of those wrong actions. Forgiveness means relinquishment. To relinquish something is to give it up, to give up whatever power it holds over us. If you forgive someone for something they have done to you, that means you have chosen to never again allow that event to determine how you feel or how you act or how you treat that person. You may remember the wrong but by choosing to forgive you have disarmed it. Once disarmed it can no longer control what you think, what you say or what you do. By choosing to no longer think of it you have chosen to forget it, when it comes to mind ask God to help you forgive and focus your attention on something else. You will find that it comes to mind less often if you refuse to dwell on it.

Myth #2 Before we forgive the individual who has harmed us must ask for our forgiveness. Nothing could be further from the truth! The one who has harmed us does not need to ask for forgiveness before we forgive neither does he need to deserve it, in fact he may not even know about it. We must choose to forgive or we forfeit control of our lives to another where we forgive only if he asks for it and deserves it. Unless we choose to forgive we may find ourselves forced into a sequence of acts, response and revenge. This downward spiral is so destructive that it has destroyed countless lives in its vortex. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and to choose a joy filled lifestyle.

Myth #3 If we forgive someone before we really feel it in our heart we are being hypocritical. Many find it difficult if not impossible to forgive because they have allowed their emotions to dictate their decision rather than the other way around. If we were only pretending to forgive and putting a good act on for others we might be hypocritical. However choosing to forgive and seeking to live that forgiveness as best we can is not hypocritical.

Myth #4 Forgiveness means that you have excused the offender’s hurtful act. Many find it difficult to forgive because they believe that their forgiveness means that the hurtful act has been excused, or it is like it never happened. Forgiveness doesn’t erase history, but it does relinquish history’s control over our lives. By forgiving we leave the past where it is and move on.

Myth #5 Forgiveness means the offender will face no consequences. We may forgive, but the law will still punish one who has broken that law. We may forgive one who has broken God’s Law but they will still need to answer to God for breaking that law. When we choose to forgive we choose not to be controlled by these past sad events but to look to the future with joy and hope.

Myth #6 When your offender is punished you will feel better. If a drunk driver has killed your loved one there is no punishment that will help you feel better. Don’t wait for the courts to deal with the situation before you seek to forgive. The longer you hold onto it the harder it will be to forgive and the more destruction it can cause in your life.

We must forgive ourselves! We store up all the mistakes that we have made, every slip of the tongue, every lie we have told, every evil deed. God has already forgiven us but through sleepless nights we examine each of our sins over and over again bringing new condemnation on ourselves. We may be finding it difficult to forgive others because we haven’t yet learned to forgive ourselves. If we believe in God we must trust in his power to forgive those who believe in Him have repented of their sins, been baptized and seek to live every day for Him. Once forgiven by God we share this same forgiveness with anyone who may have wronged us. This is the way to true joy in life there is no joy in a vengeful spirit. BMC